Do you struggle to get your child to tell you about how their day went and what happened at school? First, please know that you’re not alone! This is an issue for many parents as many kids aren’t talkers. Some kids are, and they tell you everything, including things you would rather not know. These parents often wish they could get their kids to stop talking so the grass is not always greener on the other side!
For parents who struggle to get their kids to open up and talk about their day, here are some things you can do to help:
First, think about timing. If you pepper them with questions as soon as they get home from school, they haven’t had time to process their day yet. So start by giving them some space and just working on having a positive interaction with them. You might open with something like this: Hey! I’m so happy to see you. I missed you today.
If it is right after school, I also recommend having a healthy snack and some water ready for them. Eating creates rhythm in the brain, and chewing helps blood flow to the brain, which is relaxing for kids.
Find a good time when your child is more likely to share. If you can, join them in an activity and show interest in what they’re doing to help foster connection and a willingness to share. Every child is different, so try different times to see when might work best. It might be after a snack, during an activity, or as they’re winding down for bed.
Remember that kids tend to open up more when you don’t look them in the eyes, so try talking while you’re doing something. I had one Mom tell me that she would take a walk after dinner with her son. He tended to open up and tell her more in the evening when they walked side by side.
Ask specific questions. Kids don’t often conceptualize their day or an event as a whole, so asking if they had a “good day” may be challenging for them to answer, depending on their age.
Here are some specific questions to consider:
What was something funny that happened today?
When did you have the most fun today?
What was the best thing that happened today?
What was the most boring part of today?
What did you like least about today?
Who had the best lunch today?
Who was kind to you today?
You can also ask if they were kind to anyone if you think it will spark a conversation without causing any judgment or shame, as that will cause them to shut down.
Practice Active Listening. One key factor in listening to kids so they will continue to talk and share more is not adding your own thoughts, advice, or judgment on the situation. When we give advice, judge what they did, or tell them what we think they should do, kids tend to shut down.
Active listening involves repeating what your child says with a question or adding in a "hmm" or "oh" so your child knows you’re listening and then waiting for them to keep talking.
Here is an example:
Your child says, “They made me play this game today at school.”
You would repeat, “They made you play this game today?”
Your child might say, “Yes, and I didn’t want to.”
And then you would respond, “No?”
And then wait to see what else they share.
Respond with an "MmHmm" or repeat a question until you get the full story.
You can also acknowledge how they’re feeling with a confirmation and explanation.
"I know it’s frustrating when" (repeat what they said).
And then you just wait to see what else they share.
I encourage you to try some of these strategies and pay attention to how often you’re just listening or responding with advice to help your child open up more.
Do you want more support so you can help your child have a great school year? This month in the Confident Parenting Club, I’m sharing strategies for supporting kids through friendship challenges, handling homework headaches, and making homework easier. Join the club to get your most pressing parenting questions answered and support to help your child have a successful year. Click here to check out the Club.
